Police Station's Resident Hero Wrangler
by twilighteve-writes
Summary: When Midoriya got kidnapped, many people rushed to his rescue. Also, Tsukauchi's work as a detective who dealt with heroes a lot shouldn't give him so much headaches, and yet here we are.


Alternative title: Tsukauchi Deserves A Break

* * *

There was a certain feeling that came with an explanation of why something that, on a first glance, seemed completely surprising only to _not_ be surprising at all once you knew why exactly it happened. It was a mixture of _of course_ and _why didn't I think of this before_ mixed into one in a perfectly blended smoothie complete with red-and-white striped straw and tiny little umbrella in its pretty crystalline glass.

In this case, it was how a whole class of 1-A of U.A, complete with their homeroom teacher and other U.A teachers as well as some pro heroes, managed to wreck a whole abandoned shopping district and left a group of villains crying and begging for mercy. Now, Tsukauchi Naomasa was shocked at first, but then he remembered that amidst everything was a certain green-haired boy that had become the central figure of the whole thing, and all he could do was sigh, drop his face into his waiting hand, and begged whatever higher being was out there for patience. Because boy, he knew he would need at least an ocean's worth of it, and more.

It pretty much went like this:

Midoriya Izuku was running errands, because it was his turn to do the grocery shopping for the 1-A dorm. For some reason, none of his classmates were able to go with him, so he had to venture to the city alone. Never mind the fact that he was the member of the most attention-catching class U.A had to offer and was the resident trouble magnet.

Surprise surprise, later that night Iida Tenya called the police station in louder-than-necessary voice proclaiming Midoriya's disappearance.

 _Surprise surprise_ , just an hour later the police station received a ransom note demanding U.A to disable all of its security measures or Midoriya Izuku's dead body would be delivered to their doorsteps piece by piece. Tsukauchi didn't tell any of U.A personnel this, but there was an additional note for the police that pretty much detailed on how the villains took Midoriya because "there was no way someone so cute could be that much of a trouble".

Those poor, poor oblivious souls. Tsukauchi wasn't sure if he wanted to laugh at them or take pity. Maybe a little bit of both.

Of course, the ransom note didn't draw any sort of positive reaction from U.A. In fact, to say that it irked them would be the understatement of the century. As such, the heroes-in-training and several pro heroes investigated the kidnapping together with the police and, once locating the place where Midoriya was held, immediately created a plan to bring the villains' group down and retrieve Midoriya safely.

Some rookie detective tried to interfere when it became apparent the plan had a high chance of creating collateral damage. Tsukauchi, who already knew the heroes didn't particularly care since the shopping district the villains were hiding in was scheduled to be torn down in a few months' time anyway, chose to lean back and didn't even try to mask his amused smile at how the rookie cowered at Eraserhead's renowned red glow glare.

"You're the resident hero wrangler," another detective grumbled at Tsukauchi. "Shouldn't you keep them in check?

Tsukauchi simply stared at him with a brow raised. "Takeda-san, look at them," Tsukauchi gestured at the cluster of heroes with the paper cup full of coffee he was holding. The heroes practically looked like they were hungry lions readying themselves for a hunt. "I don't have a death wish."

Takeda opened his mouth to say something, but he ended up just sighing and nodding tiredly. The third eye at his forehead drooped and closed, as it usually did whenever Takeda felt a headache coming.

As such, the police ended up leaving the heroes to infiltrate the shopping district by themselves, since no one wanted to get in the way of a horde of angry heroes ready to fuck up some villains' asses. However, since _technically_ this should be something both the heroes and the police force was working on, somehow Eraserhead managed to pull some strings to get Tsukauchi to get in the shopping district while the other police officers stood outside the perimeter to keep the area safe.

"I'm not even good at fighting," Tsukauchi protested, though his voice didn't hold any heat.

"Not everyone in the hero industry is good at fighting, either," Eraserhead replied. "We'll have to shield a lot of people later. Some of my kids are better at support than actual combat, too. Besides," he added, "we'll need someone to negotiate."

Tsukauchi was tempted to remind Eraserhead that it was different; U.A students were trained to be able to battle and use their quirks as much as they could, often in combat situation. Tsukauchi's quirk was to tell if someone was lying. It was literally useless in battle. Then again, Eraserhead looked like he didn't give a single shit about it, so Tsukauchi decided not to argue.

Some of his coworkers thought that Tsukauchi being able to work with heroes on a regular basis was a great thing they were jealous of, but they couldn't be more wrong. Having to deal with the paperwork for damages to the city was a nightmare, more than just a few heroes were uncooperative with the police and tended to do whatever they deemed necessary without thinking much about the consequences, not to mention they were… "quirky", in more ways than one. The unofficial title as hero wrangler was pretty much a curse. In fact, Tsukauchi was pretty sure him having connections with All Might was probably only a small part of why he was assigned to work with heroes the most. He suspected the main reason was because of that one time he unwittingly exposed his boss' affair with one of the young police officers in front of his wife. Hey, he didn't know. His quirk just went off and it surprised him.

Nevertheless, not even two hours later Tsukauchi found himself blankly staring at the abandoned shopping district in the midst of heroes and heroes in training in their battle costumes, feeling completely out of his elements in his usual trench coat glory. His fingers twitched to take his gun, but he decided against it for fear of shooting one of the heroes by accident, since the heroes had placed him in the dead center of the formation. They would surge forward and soon Tsukauchi would be observing things from behind, but for now he was in the middle of the heroes, arguably the safest place to be. The air was filled with the heroes' determination and drive, and it made Tsukauchi feel even more safe.

Up until the group of villains that had kidnapped Midoriya appear as if out of thin air right in the middle of the shopping district, sending the heroes challenging glares mixed with confident smugness. In the middle of them was Midoriya, bound to a chair, anxiously looking around at his captors before settling his gaze on the heroes, desperate eyes pleading. He struggled against his bonds, stopped, and mouthed something that looked suspiciously like "can't use quirk". Tsukauchi tensed immediately when he recognized the red line of liquid that ran down the boy's temple and the hand one of the villains had on Midoriya's shoulder. Around him, the atmosphere that blanketed the heroes shifted abruptly into what Tsukauchi could only call cold rage.

"Our demand was for you to disable all security in U.A," one of the villains yelled.

"And you think we'd roll over and do whatever you want?!" Present Mic yelled back, and even without actually using his quirk his voice boomed loudly in the district.

Tsukauchi quickly slipped through the throng of heroes and tapped Present Mic on the shoulder. "Maybe you should let me handle this?" he said, making it sound more like an offer than the order it actually was. Present Mic recognized the veiled command, however, and complied with nothing more than a soft, sighed grumble. That was fine. Tsukauchi could live with that.

"Who are _you_?" the villain asked. "Never saw a hero in trench coat before."

"I'm Tsukauchi Naomasa, from the police," he announced. "If you could, it would save us all a great deal of trouble if you stand down and release the hostage."

"Not a chance. All of you leave now, and we will consider releasing him."

"Sir, please be considerate here," Tsukauchi lifted his hands to placate the clearly annoyed villains and heroes both. "We have this area surrounded."

"Well, tell them to back off, then!" the villain demanded. "Remember, we have a hostage here." He kicked the foot of Midoriya's chair lightly, while another villain flared her fire quirk briefly. It singed Midoriya's hair lightly, and the boy winced.

Tsukauchi could feel the heroes growing angrier by the minute, and spoke again, "I'm afraid that's not an option. What about you tell us what you want, and we can negotiate something?"

"No, you either do whatever we want or this boy dies!" the villain yelled back. He pointed at Midoriya, and wind surged to the boy. He yelped and curled inwardly as much as he could while invisible blades dug cuts into his skin.

Tsukauchi had just opened his mouth to speak again when Eraserhead put his hand on his shoulder and _squeezed_. "That's enough," he said, voice dangerously low. "I suggest you release my student at once, or we will not hold back."

"Eraserhead," Tsukauchi warned.

"It's clear they don't want to negotiate, Detective," Eraserhead said, voice clipped, not even looking at Tsukauchi. "I'll deal with the consequences later."

The villain laughed loudly, and even Tsukauchi had to suppress his urge to gulp when he saw Eraserhead's eye tick. The villain, bless his oblivious soul, didn't seem to catch Eraserhead's anger and shouted, "You won't hold back?! Fine, I guess you want to see your student's head roll on the ground then!"

"Not quite," Eraserhead murmured, and before Tsukauchi could stop him the hero activated his quirk, eyes blazing red and hair whipping up. Immediately, Midoriya lit up with green lightning that sparked off his skin, and easily escaped his restraints while the villains yelled in surprise and confusion.

"What in – "

"Blink, do it now!" Eraserhead yelled, and suddenly Tsukauchi felt a hand curling around his wrists and yanked, and suddenly the world flashed black and the dim shopping district he was in disappeared from his eyes, replaced by the sight of the night sky. There was an oddly detached feeling about him, and for a split second Tsukauchi could only stare in confusion before he realized he was suspended midair, and it didn't take long for gravity to claim him back to earth as he fell down with a gasp.

Hands grappled frantically to catch him, and he was pretty sure he felt someone's baton digging into his hip. Someone yowled underneath him – it sounded suspiciously like Sansa, which was both hilarious and intriguing, since he never sounded so similar to a cat before, despite his quirk. Tsukauchi looked up in surprise and wished his hammering heart could calm soon, and his gaze met Blink's.

The Teleportation Hero landed safely on the ground and smiled sheepishly. "Sorry, Detective," she apologized, smoothing her soft yellow costume and bowing. "You don't have a combat quirk, so you can't really protect yourself in there. Eraserhead had told me to get you to safety should something like this happened." Her gaze hardened. "Now, if you'll excuse me. I have some villain butts to kick." And, just like that, she blinked out of existence, no doubt to reappear in the thick of the battle.

Tsukauchi stared at the space she had left for a bit too long before a mix of a hand and a paw slapped at his thigh feebly. The detective immediately scrambled to his feet, and on the ground Sansa wheezed, taking in air with the desperation of a drowned man. Tsukauchi apologized to him profusely.

"It's not your fault, Sir," Sansa assured. "I didn't know Blink would be involved in this. Is she a teacher at U.A, too?"

"No, but she graduated from U.A a few years ago, if I'm not mistaken," Tsukauchi said. Behind him, the shopping district lit up with a booming explosion, and the unmistakable sound of a boy laughing echoed in the air, followed with the rumble of collapsing building. Tsukauchi closed his eyes, took in a deep breath, and released it slowly while counting to ten. He could feel his headache beginning to build.

It took the heroes less than thirty minutes to level the whole shopping district to the ground, and not even thirty seconds later Tsukauchi could hear the villains wailing their willingness to give up, even so far away from the heat of battle. Somehow, Tsukauchi managed to keep himself from groaning.

Later, when he was collecting statements, he found out that most of the damage was done by the 1-A students and that none of them had held back, except – surprisingly, or perhaps not – Midoriya himself. The boy was just sorry he had stirred up so much trouble, for the most part. When Tsukauchi heard him saying that he didn't wish the villains painful deaths like some of his classmates had (namely; Bakugou, Todoroki, and, with a sunny smile while she announced it, Uraraka), the detective wasn't sure what he wanted to do with the boy. He was too kind for his own good.

"Um, I'm…" Midoriya spoke up when Tsukauchi told him he had gotten enough information regarding the situation. "I'm sorry I got caught. I really didn't want to make so much trouble."

"It's alright," Tsukauchi said with a smile. "It wasn't your fault. Besides, it turned out alright in the end."

"I suppose," Midoriya said, but it was clear he wasn't completely convinced.

"You know, you might want to ask Eraserhead to teach you how to escape being tied to a chair," Tsukauchi chirped as he gathered his papers. "That way you won't have to rely on your quirk all the time. It might come in handy."

Midoriya blinked before he beamed with a smile that made Tsukauchi want to punch something, "Thank you," he said sincerely, and Tsukauchi could only nod. Was it weird that Tsukauchi wanted to wrap him in a blanket, give him hot chocolate, and shoot whoever dared to hurt this ray of sunshine? The stress of the situation must be getting to him.

Later, he would gather all the statements he and other officers had gathered from the heroes and aspiring heroes involved in the incident and realized that the 1-A students he had interviewed and Eraserhead had declared that they felt no remorse in dealing the damage they had dealt to the villains while the villains declared their regret at having even been born at all, and Tsukauchi knew instantly that this would be another stressful night, and he would need something strong for fuel. He left his desk to get said fuel, and when he got back Sansa was hovering around his desk trying to take a peek at the statements.

"You know people say that curiosity killed the cat, Sansa," Tsukauchi declared, making the cat man jump in surprise.

"Ah, I'm sorry, Sir," Sansa apologized. His ears lay flat at the sides of his head, indicating his embarrassment, before they tentatively perked up again. "I heard that satisfaction will bring it back, though?" he asked.

Tsukauchi barked a laugh. He lifted the paper cup half full with coffee and the energy drink he had in his hands, and pointedly stared at Sansa's eyes as he poured the energy drink into the paper cup. Then, still looking into Sansa's widening eyes, he placed down the energy drink bottle, put a block of sugar into the cup, stirred it with a plastic spoon, and downed it in one go. "No it won't," he said flatly. "Trust me, you probably wouldn't want to see all those. This is going to be the worst paperwork I've got in a while."

"…are you alright, Sir?" Sansa asked softly.

"No," Tsukauchi answered. "Please do me a favor and get me another cup of coffee, Sansa. I wouldn't need the energy drink this time. And some water and aspirin, if you would."

Sansa blinked and nodded. "Would you want me to help you with this, Sir?" he offered.

"Sansa, as much as that offer is appreciated, I don't want to subject you to all these workload." Tsukauchi smiled tiredly. "A word of advice, though. Don't ever get yourself employed as the station's hero wrangler. It's not worth the prestige." He paused before adding, "And maybe don't point out your boss's affair to his wife, too. Pretty sure that's how I got myself here."

"Noted, Sir," Sansa answered, a note of sympathy in his voice, before he went to take the coffee, water, and aspirin Tsukauchi had requested.

Good. Tsukauchi would need them.

* * *

A/N: (please note that this was posted with much editing, so if there are mistakes i would like to apologize)

me: hmmm i need to do my assignment to make a website but i don't understand coding, what should i do  
my brain: write a fic  
me: excellent idea, my good sir

also me: *screams internally* *screams externally* *screams eternally*


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